Wise Woman, by Rafael Gallardo
The older I get the wiser I become. Isn’t that true? I always thought so. Until recent events transpired, I am not so sure anymore. I am in my thirties, perhaps when I am in my forties I would have become sager. I still feel naive, as if I were a teenager. Gaps! That is depressing. At least I am introspective enough to realize my pattern of mistakes.
So what the hell happened?
Recently, I took a night course at my local College, because I wanted to resume my education. I only took this course because I felt trapped in my current career path. I originally wanted to go back to school and become a Registered Massage Therapist, but due to financial reasons, I was unable to go to school full-time. So I reached out to the only opportunity I had left, go to College for night courses. I had a list of programs to choose from, so I chose one that closely matched to what I thought I wanted: Fitness and Lifestyle Management.
Is what you want, what you need?
This is the most important lesson I have to learn this year, because I keep making the same mistake over and over again. What I thought I wanted, is not what I needed. Taking this program is going to lead me into the fitness profession and with more research and knowledge I realized it does not match my lifestyle and personality. One problem I have is I try to mold myself into something I am not, like putting a TV into a shoe-box. I create false perceptions of myself, in hopes to become more successful, but the truth is, I am never really honest with myself, honest about whom I am, what my abilities are and what I want.
Again, what is it what I want?
I want to be doing something that makes me feel fulfilled. Career wise I still have options, but pretending to want to be a fitness trainer (by taking this Fitness and Lifestyle Management program) and getting McDonalds at night are contradicting actions. I strive to be healthy, but I do not follow the lifestyle of what this course would be able.
Problem two is something that I’ve been struggling with all my life. Maybe it’s a learning disability (I may have dyslexia), or maybe it’s just a challenging aspect of learning that I have mentally. My studies at school have always been difficult for me. But, I do excel in courses that are based on subjects like History, Art, Religion, Business but fail or do poorly in subjects like Science, Anatomy, Accounting and Math. The course I took is Anatomy, and I went into it with the best of intensions, but after week two, fell into a spiral of anxiety and depression. I just don’t know how to retain this type of knowledge, I always had this problem. I’ve been having nightmares, disturbed sleep, anxiety attacks, and depression, since I took this course. I don’t want to feel this way.
I do believe in working hard, but at what cost? I don’t even plan to continue this program, because I don’t think it’s right for me. So I changed my mind and withdrew from the course and the program. What followed was a harsh consequence.
No refund. I was so mad. I thought at least a partial refund, as it’s only been two weeks, but the College said NO! $300.00 down the drain. I just want to die! Facing my boyfriend with this, I wanted to bury my head in the sand. I felt ashamed and guilty. I am an adult, I am supposed to be wise and not make childish mistakes like this. What is wrong with me!
Consolation prize, at the very least I am able to re-sell the text book I bought for $100.00 dollars, I won’t get the full cost back, but I will get something.
Did I learn my lesson? Yes never try! Well that is harsh, but the lesson is, do not make a decision, especially involving money, too quickly. Make sure that what you want is what you need before you do and before you pay!
I feel like a bad girlfriend.
I just hope my boyfriend will forgive me for the loss of this money, as I always put him and our home first and I feel so embarrassed for wasting our funds. I am deeply sorry and it will never happen again.
The thoughts in my head are incredibly strict, as I feel this mistake was foolish of me. I just wish to be wiser. I know I have learnt from this.
- I need to accept my abilities and work on subjects that I am strong in, cognitively.
- I need to believe in myself and stay with one goal or plan and work hard at it.
- I need to think hard and clearly before I make life changing decisions.
- I need to be less spontaneous and less hard on myself about my perceptions of what success is.
- I need to appreciate and work hard to improve on the things that I have, like my job, and my home business which I can do Massage, as I have an Aesthetics Diploma.
- I need clarity and wisdom as to what to do next, and if I just let the dust settle, I know my inner wisdom will peek through.
I don’t know how to get rid of this guilt. I know it’s only about three-hundred dollars that I have lost, not like it will make us house poor or anything, but I feel so ashamed that I did this, that I just want to vomit!
All I can do is repeat this to help.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.