Wise Woman, by Rafael Gallardo
The older I get the wiser I become. Isn’t that true? I always thought so. Until recent events transpired, I am not so sure anymore. I am in my thirties, perhaps when I am in my forties I would have become sager. I still feel naive, as if I were a teenager. Gaps! That is depressing. At least I am introspective enough to realize my pattern of mistakes.
So what the hell happened?
Recently, I took a night course at my local College, because I wanted to resume my education. I only took this course because I felt trapped in my current career path. I originally wanted to go back to school and become a Registered Massage Therapist, but due to financial reasons, I was unable to go to school full-time. So I reached out to the only opportunity I had left, go to College for night courses. I had a list of programs to choose from, so I chose one that closely matched to what I thought I wanted: Fitness and Lifestyle Management.
Is what you want, what you need?
This is the most important lesson I have to learn this year, because I keep making the same mistake over and over again. What I thought I wanted, is not what I needed. Taking this program is going to lead me into the fitness profession and with more research and knowledge I realized it does not match my lifestyle and personality. One problem I have is I try to mold myself into something I am not, like putting a TV into a shoe-box. I create false perceptions of myself, in hopes to become more successful, but the truth is, I am never really honest with myself, honest about whom I am, what my abilities are and what I want.
Again, what is it what I want?
I want to be doing something that makes me feel fulfilled. Career wise I still have options, but pretending to want to be a fitness trainer (by taking this Fitness and Lifestyle Management program) and getting McDonalds at night are contradicting actions. I strive to be healthy, but I do not follow the lifestyle of what this course would be able.
Problem two is something that I’ve been struggling with all my life. Maybe it’s a learning disability (I may have dyslexia), or maybe it’s just a challenging aspect of learning that I have mentally. My studies at school have always been difficult for me. But, I do excel in courses that are based on subjects like History, Art, Religion, Business but fail or do poorly in subjects like Science, Anatomy, Accounting and Math. The course I took is Anatomy, and I went into it with the best of intensions, but after week two, fell into a spiral of anxiety and depression. I just don’t know how to retain this type of knowledge, I always had this problem. I’ve been having nightmares, disturbed sleep, anxiety attacks, and depression, since I took this course. I don’t want to feel this way.
I do believe in working hard, but at what cost? I don’t even plan to continue this program, because I don’t think it’s right for me. So I changed my mind and withdrew from the course and the program. What followed was a harsh consequence.
No refund. I was so mad. I thought at least a partial refund, as it’s only been two weeks, but the College said NO! $300.00 down the drain. I just want to die! Facing my boyfriend with this, I wanted to bury my head in the sand. I felt ashamed and guilty. I am an adult, I am supposed to be wise and not make childish mistakes like this. What is wrong with me!
Consolation prize, at the very least I am able to re-sell the text book I bought for $100.00 dollars, I won’t get the full cost back, but I will get something.
Did I learn my lesson? Yes never try! Well that is harsh, but the lesson is, do not make a decision, especially involving money, too quickly. Make sure that what you want is what you need before you do and before you pay!
I feel like a bad girlfriend.
I just hope my boyfriend will forgive me for the loss of this money, as I always put him and our home first and I feel so embarrassed for wasting our funds. I am deeply sorry and it will never happen again.
The thoughts in my head are incredibly strict, as I feel this mistake was foolish of me. I just wish to be wiser. I know I have learnt from this.
- I need to accept my abilities and work on subjects that I am strong in, cognitively.
- I need to believe in myself and stay with one goal or plan and work hard at it.
- I need to think hard and clearly before I make life changing decisions.
- I need to be less spontaneous and less hard on myself about my perceptions of what success is.
- I need to appreciate and work hard to improve on the things that I have, like my job, and my home business which I can do Massage, as I have an Aesthetics Diploma.
- I need clarity and wisdom as to what to do next, and if I just let the dust settle, I know my inner wisdom will peek through.
I don’t know how to get rid of this guilt. I know it’s only about three-hundred dollars that I have lost, not like it will make us house poor or anything, but I feel so ashamed that I did this, that I just want to vomit!
All I can do is repeat this to help.
The Serenity PrayerGod grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.–Reinhold Niebuhr
I relate with this on many levels. One of the things that I learned recently in the book called The Happiness Trap is that it can be good to think of our values, and then use them to find fulfillment, since most things aren’t just fulfilling on their own. for me, one of the things I “valued” was being able to help people and have respect while doing so, and being able to use my brain. My former job really didn’t have those components, which is part of why it was bothering me, but once I connected to another value of “making money to support our house” the other job was less frustrating because I stopped expecting it to meet the other values. Thinking like that also helped me to see that perhaps going back to massage or therapy would be good since it met those needs, even if it demanded some extra frustrations (like taking the massage test, and traveling more) and eventually the therapy job came to me. But I relate to this, and it’s good that you see what’s going on I think so that you can have gentleness with yourself while also choosing your next steps in a way that meets your needs. Good job on all that awareness!!
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment, I very much appreciate it. The question I am faced with now is: “What is it that I want?” I use to answer that by measuring my worth by my career success, but I think I am getting it now. What I want is to be fulfilled, and that can be through domestic successes, like a happy home, a good relationship, good times with friend and family, and the companionship of a beloved pet. My boyfriend just told me, “I just want you to be happy”, and my fulfillment of living a happy life with him is satisfying. I just get all wrapped up in career success, to equal fulfillment. Which it isn’t. Life is not about that. I want to share with you a YouTube video by speaker Alan Watts, it is very uplifting I am sure you will like it. It’s about what if money didn’t matter what would you want to do, which got my hamster wheels spinning. Let me know what you think. Link:
“What If money didn’t matter?.. – Alan Watts”
That’s a great video! “It’s all wretch and no vomit!” haha, I like what he says. At the same time, I feel like it’s hard if there is nobody to pay the rent. I like the idea of doing both, really, and always doing what you love while also making money if at first you can’t support yourself on what you love. Or you could do what you love and live in a way that is “homefree” or traveling, that’s great too…plus I feel like when you can love simply being alive and breathing, you can sit for a few hours at a job you don’t like while still appreciating being alive mindfully and with an open heart, and then continue to do the things you absolutely love until they can support you as you become a master.
Thank you for sharing this!
But for people who don’t have to pay rent or buy food or take care of pets or anything, it can be great to just do what you love and nothing else! The rent is the one tricky thing- and such great power can come from learning that even if you are working a job you hate in theory, it is possible to take a breath and have an inner smile and an appreciation for life. At least that’s how I see it